Now this is not how matrimony is every hour or every day, but certainly it happens at various times throughout a relationship, unless you happen to be in a marriage where you just never have problems.  If that’s the case, I would encourage you to give me a call or send me an email because maybe you need to take over this column for me. However, most of the people I hang out with, we deal with marriage problems.

Now you need to know Jane and I made it through and today I’m not biting nails, I’m biting her lip—one of those little nibbles of love because we came through on the other side. We didn’t continue to just hammer down on each other, but dealt with the problem directly and built up our love again. But the reality is many people in the nail-biting phase give up. They don’t feel like pushing through. I know people think that couples who don’t get divorced and who stay together must never have nail-biting moments, but I’m here to tell you we all do.

The key is to recognize this is normal and doesn’t mark the end of your relationship. This is especially true for newly-married couples who are living in a dream world and then the first major disagreement turns into a nightmare.  She runs off to her friend’s house or to her mother’s to rehash the argument, while he gets together with his buddies and forgets the whole thing for a while. That’s a stereotypical scenario, but it’s true that women tend to be more relational and often process conflicts more in-depth than men. What should really be happening, however, is that the two spouses should get together and work out their issues before someone heads to the toolbox looking for a nail to chew on.

Consider the contractor who builds a shed only to have a strong wind come through and tear it down. Your relationship, at times, can be just as unsteady. The state of your marriage can be swayed some days by just the wrong spoken word or an accusing look. For those couples who’ve been around the block a time or two, being together longer doesn’t guarantee you will pound out fewer arguments, but hopefully it means you know how to resolve them quicker because of your experience.

What’s imperative is for couples to grow from each nail-biting incident and learn how to stay on solid ground more often than shaky terrain. Discover how to build the relationship back up when everything falls apart. I can’t cover it all here, but just start by talking about it, turning it around, dying to self, and changing nail biting into lip nibbling.

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1)     Increase awareness. If you are depressed or anxious or experiencing some true mental health issue, acknowledging it is the first step.

2)     Find some helpful and insightful resources. This help and support can come through friends, family, a pastor or a Christian counselor. This can’t be treated with self-effort alone.

3)     Take very active steps such as getting more rest, exercising and eating healthier. Just take baby steps in each area.

All of these things can start the process of moving your life back to a more manageable pace.

Prescription: Consider and acknowledge areas of your life where you may be subject to burnout or fatigue and make one of the changes suggested above.

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This raises all kinds of marriage and family issues. I know many parents who think nothing of reading their kids’ Facebook pages, diaries, cell phone texts, or anything else that they deem to be fair game. Some parents only allow a child to have a Facebook account if the parent has access to it and their child accepts them as a friend, which allows the parent to see their activity on the site.

I’m not going to tell you whether or not I think married couples should be allowed to read each other’s emails, Facebook messages, or diaries or if they should be able to rifle through each other’s wallet or purse. That decision should be made by each couple. What I do want to tell you is that you should discuss and resolve the issue before someone’s privacy is unknowingly violated. If you decide you don’t want your spouse’s nose in your business, be prepared for their nose to get out of joint – as your desire for privacy may cause them to wonder if you are hiding something.

Experts will tell you that emails or Facebook posts or messages are not the place for private thoughts. You are too exposed. If your friends are confiding in you via email and you want to protect their privacy, let me suggest that you meet in person to discuss confidential matters. And plenty of celebrities will attest to the stupidity of using text messages to express personal thoughts.

Trust should be at the core of every marriage. It is the glue that holds a marriage in place. Imagine a marriage where you don’t trust your spouse. He says he’s running to the store, but you check the mileage after he gets home. She says she’s meeting friends after work, but you drive by the restaurant just to double check. He receives a text late at night and you can’t help but ask who it’s from. In a marriage where trust is lacking, more time and effort is spent checking up on each other than is spent loving and enjoying each other.

Just ask any couple that has survived an affair. They will tell you that the trust in their relationship was shattered. Shards of jealousy, uncertainty, and hurt flew recklessly through their home for days, weeks, months, and maybe years.

You need to develop your definition of privacy when you commit to a relationship and stick to it.  Sharing passwords with your spouse doesn’t mean that they are going to spend hours on end reading your emails or scanning your Facebook page. They’ve probably got better things to do. It’s a simple gesture that says, “I love and trust you.”  A spouse should be someone who helps you grow and become a better you. That can only happen in a relationship where they know everything about you—both the public and private you.

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Prescription: Do a self-analysis and determine whether this is the best time in your life to pursue dating or potentially enter into a relationship.

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My PMS, however, is more uplifting and positive and can affect both genders. It stands for “Play More Songs.” I bet you’ve never heard of that one before, but it’s a great idea for building harmony in your relationships. It will help keep you tuned in to what’s going on around you.

Nothing gets into people like music. Just ask anyone and they’ll tell you their favorite genre of music or favorite artist within that genre. The first musical recording of a human voice, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” was done by Thomas Edison back in 1877. There’s a classic. Twenty years prior to that was the first Broadway musical in 1857 called, “The Elves.” Music has been around for a long time.

Studies have also proven the therapeutic effect of music. It has been known to assist with speech therapy in children with autism. It has helped soothe the pain of chemotherapy, lift up the spirits of someone experiencing depression, and lower the anxiety of someone under heightened stress. Music therapy is now recognized in most states as a medical tool, prompting many colleges to offer bachelor degrees in the field. Another theory called the “Mozart effect” is based on studies conducted by Dr. Alfred Tomatis who found Mozart’s music had an effect on stimulating activities in the human brain.

Whether you like Katy Perry, Usher, The Beatles, Keith Urban, Bob Seger, or the theme from Barney, music has the ability to stir your soul, bob your head, set your feet to dancing, or make a connection with a loved one, especially when nothing else is working.

Think about all the music concerts you’ve ever attended. Either you go with a group of friends and have a great time or you are seated next to a stranger and end up talking with them about the show or your favorite hits by that artist. Music not only helps healing but it bonds people in a special way. I bet you can remember the song you danced to at your wedding. People select meaningful songs for funerals. Kids are often taught to memorize through songs. I remember growing up as a kid, my mom always had music playing in the background.

Try to keep music pumping and playing throughout your home at different times. Sure it can be challenging to find something that everyone can enjoy, especially with teenagers, but take turns sharing music with each other. Be open to hearing someone else’s favorite melodies. Try music when you feel like you’ve talked all you can and there is still tension in the air.

The next time you find yourself singing the blues, whether you are male or female, try my PMS solution by playing more songs, and creating a lighter, warmer atmosphere in your family.

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