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MARRIAGE AT RISK: LOOKING OUTSIDE

There are certain patterns that show up in marriages at risk. If you asked newly-divorced couples about their past relationship history, you'll likely run into these patterns.

Retrace the steps they took in the weeks, months, and years before the split, and you'll find places where there were warning signs-places where actions from one or both of the spouses signaled trouble on the horizon.

We are focusing on risky behaviors in marriage, looking to identify them early on so we can change them and build on our relationships. Last month we discussed the secrets spouses keep, both from each other and from an honest community.

We talked about how keeping secrets weakens the bond between a husband and wife, emphasizing their separateness instead of their unity. This month, we're going to talk about something just as destructive: when spouses look for fulfillment outside their relationship.

This 'fulfillment' I'm talking about can be a number of things, but usually it shows up as some kind of emotional or sexual connection. Taken to its limit, we all know that this is the stuff of cheating and affairs. But it doesn't usually start at the limit, does it? Instead, the beginnings are often as simple as a quickened heart rate.

It's seeing that other person-a neighbor, a coworker, an acquaintance, an old flame-and wondering what they think of you. It's getting a compliment from someone of the opposite sex, just when you need one, or getting concern from them when you don't feel cared for.

It's a stray spam e-mail in your inbox, a racy advertisement on TV. It's a brush of your elbow in a business meeting. It's a lunchroom conversation that's laced with a certain energy. It's any number of countless moments-tiny, insignificant moments that are incredibly significant.

But let's be reasonable. To a degree, people-even married people-can't avoid having initial experiences like these. The first thought that gets sparked in our minds is not a decision of will; it's a reaction.

I'll be quick to point out, though, that the minute those thoughts are left unchecked and free to roam, we're venturing into risky territory. When we convince ourselves that it's OK to 'look outside' for even a small dose of fulfillment, every step from that point forward puts our marriage in jeopardy.

Why? Because it's a slippery slope from that initial reaction to something more serious. In not much time at all, you could be caught up in imagining a different life for yourself, viewing pornography regularly, fantasizing about someone other than your spouse, or actively working to be attractive to new people. These things are poison to a marriage.

Have you started traveling down one of those roads? Are you pursuing fulfillment outside your relationship with your spouse? If you've made a commitment to be married for life then it's time to start making better choices.

You can begin by accepting responsibility for your behavior and by admitting it's wrong. Then seek out a counselor, pastor, family member, or trusted friend who will support you in building your marriage.

Ask them to help you keep yourself in check, and then-here's the kicker-start doing what you should have done all along: look inside your marriage for fulfillment.

Work to discover new reasons for being attracted to your spouse. Find new things to love about them. Cancel the magazine subscription or block the TV channels that are turning your thoughts away from your marriage. Put the computer in a public place. Give your spouse the password to your e-mail account. Go on dates with your husband or wife, and be affectionate with each other.

Train yourself to seek an emotional and sexual connection with your spouse first and with your spouse only. Then, when it comes to fulfillment, you'll be building a marriage with an incredibly low risk.

Question:
In what ways are you regularly connecting with your spouse?

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