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Friendship: The Marriage Bull's-Eye

No doubt you've heard it before, and probably at least once from a man or woman who's gushing about their recent engagement: "I'm so glad I'm marrying my best friend!

OK, let's stop right here for a moment, because buried in the giddiness of this common statement is at least one question: What does it mean to be friends with your spouse? What does friendship look like in a marriage? What should it look like?

Friendship is a broad issue, but for the most part friendships can be divided into four different categories. You can think of them as four rings on a target, where the values of the rings increase as their sizes decrease. Every friendship in your life hits the mark in one of the following spots:

Chums make up the outer ring of the target. These friends have interests that overlap yours in one area-you have memberships at the same gym or your kids are the same age, for example. This overlap brings you together and creates opportunities for conversation, so you get to know surface details about each other: name, age, education, job, etc. Still, although you enjoy each other's company, you could hardly say that you really know each other.

Companions are the next biggest ring. These are friends who spend time with you on a semi-regular basis. You plan activities to do together, and when you talk, your conversations aren't limited to just the facts of your lives. You share your opinions on important issues, and you're not afraid to disagree. Still, you hold back a little; although you've moved beyond a surface friendship, you're still keeping things fairly shallow.

Comrades are the second-smallest ring. They're the ones who want to talk to you even when you're having an off day. They've seen the good and bad in you, and they still like you anyway. Typically, these are people who have walked through meaningful circumstances with you. You trust them enough to share your concerns and fears, your beliefs and pursuits, your problems and pains. You ask them for advice, and you value it when it's given.

Confidants are friends who know you to your core. You trust them to the point that you feel comfortable telling them anything. Anything-nothing is off-limits here. These are the people you seek out when you need someone to celebrate or cry with, or when you're trying to make an important decision. They've spent enough time with you to recognize your emotion and pinpoint your behavior patterns-they understand why you react and behave the way you do. They'll comfort when you need comforting, but they're also willing to give you a swift kick in the pants, so to speak. Put simply, confidants just get you, and they understand that you need them. The closeness of your relationship is proof.

Like the outer rings on a target, the friendship tiers that take less energy are the easiest to hit. There's more room reserved for them, too-just like how it's possible to have a thousand chums, yet we have energy for a much smaller number of comrades. It would be foolish to try to be incredibly close with all our friends-no one has that much time or oomph to give. Still, it should go without saying that one goal of a marriage is for spouses to be confidants. Marriage is where two become one, after all-and in terms of friendship, that's a bull's eye by definition. In fact, your relationship with your spouse should be the center mark on the center circle of your friendship target. Is it? If it isn't, what can you be doing to get it there?



This feature is adapted from chapter five of "The Necessary Nine: How to Stay Happily Married for Life" by Dan Seaborn and Peter Newhouse, PhD, with Lisa Velthouse. To order your copy of this book, contact Winning At Home

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